a couple of days ago,, i read and responded to a poem linda originally posted on your poems. your stories.,, called the game… and ever since i have been thinking seriously about the ramifications of what i wrote in response,, a poem called i’m ready,, and how it translates into my daily life..
for those of you that don’t “know” me,, i am reclusive.. very reclusive.. i leave the house to go to work a paltry three days a week,, only because i have no other option.. every time i do, i spend hours arguing with myself,, and trying to figure out legitimate reasons not to go,, or create a fabricated reason that is untraceable enough to pass off as a legitimate one.. right this moment,, i don’t have to work untill sunday,, and already i am feeling the panic rumbling around inside of me knowing i only have two days left before i am expected to show up somewhere outside of my world…
i leave my little property maybe once every two weeks to obtain provisions,, (always in the company of both of my dogs,, never alone) which i buy in bulk,, in order to try and to eliminate the need to leave the property at all..
i have no friends,, by choice,,, and because i alienate people.. i do not answer,, nor to i call out on my phone.. i do not attend any social functions,, and certainly never entertain guests.. (although ben was here a couple of days this week,, and for those of you that “know” me,, you know,, no matter how blessed i feel to have him in my life,, those visits are ever so stressful for me)
it only makes sense that,, given my cloistered state of affairs,, i have very little natural stimulation,, or shall we say inspiration,, and for that reason,, i have been relying entirely on prompts to stimulate my creativity for quite some time.. i do believe it has pushed me to advance myself poetically,, forcing me out of “self” in a lot of instances and pushing me to write about things that i most certainly would not have written about had i not been prompted to do so……
however,, you knew there had to be one of those,, didn’t you??? however.. i am bored with them.. i am bored with trying to take the prompt in a different direction.. i am tired of writing about what everyone else is writing about,, and i am tired of feeling as if i need to produce,, and often times doing so solely in the name of production….
in retrospect,, the prompts helped to get me out of myself,, and think about abstract things,, of little or no real consequence,, instead of focusing all eyes on me.. they have seen me thru the grief and depression,, and brought me around to where i find myself today.. and for all of that i am truly grateful…. but i think i need to stop…
you see, in reality,, i am, at this point,, sitting in a little shell of a little world,, waiting patiently for my dogs to die,, so that i can be released from all my earthly ties.. i will be 47 on the seventh of june,, too old to be who i once was,, and even tho i have zero inclination to ever be anyone else,, i am not not really old enough to legitimately expect to wake up dead any time soon…
so i guess, that means i have to find something to inspire me… something besides my past and the writing prompts i have relied so heavily upon over the course of the last year….
i am thinking today i will go out on the property and take some pictures.. i bought a digital camera like a year ago,, and have used it once… who knows… maybe i will see something thru its lens that will inspire me,, and maybe not… but, worst case scenario.. it will get me out of this chair,, won’t it??
photo:
May 9th, 2008 at 7:38 am
Good morning Paisley. We accept you for who you are. We’ve learned so much from reading your life’s story and are grateful you chose to share. We also understand full well what it’s like to be uninspired by prompts and the past. At some point it’s time to change.
I doubt I’d leave the house much if I didn’t have to work. Most times on the weekend it’s Rose who goes out. I guess what we’re saying is that you don’t owe us anything and we love you just the way you are. Write, take pictures or do nothing at all.
(((((((hugs)))))))
Brians last blog post..Why cell phones never caught on
May 9th, 2008 at 8:15 am
Paisley, DONT let age change you. Of course, you’re the person you always were and are only becoming more and more yourself.
In any case, it’s difficult being lonely. But then, everyone’s lonely in his or her own way.
The upside? Many writers require serious solitude to write their best, and they need a lot of it. One plus to growing older is that you may find it easier to refrain from judging yourself. And past that, you really might NOT care how others judge you.
You’re doing your best. And I for one am heartily grateful you were born. I feel privileged to have gotten to “brush wings” with you if only electronically. Do what you can and leave “social norms” to whomever cherishes them. My guess is that you’re actually so far ahead of the game, you’re off the radar.
Of course, you especially deserve much better. So here’s wishing you much love and joy this year and all those to come.
May 9th, 2008 at 8:18 am
I think you are an astonishing writer. I know what you mean about the prompts, I think the camera is a great way to go, just keep writing as you are so good at it.
Jos last blog post..Mutations
May 9th, 2008 at 9:01 am
I say do whatever! That’s the beauty of life: it is never static. What turns us on at a given time, may not at other times. I certainly don’t write to all the prompts. If I want to, I do; if not, I don’t. It sounds like you know yourself pretty well and are listening to what your body and mind are telling you.
Selfishly, I love clicking on your blogs to see what you have to say. Your writing is a pleasure! But, you have to do it for yourself.
Hope you get some cool pictures today!
linda Jacobss last blog post..Sci-Fi for ReadWritePoem
May 9th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Given a chance..I would have loved to try to introduce you, to a wonderful relation called friendship
ramblers last blog post..Tag Trio
May 9th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Passions are a result of choice; they don’t just show up one day. Relying on prompts gives that choice to others. When we hide from the world it is ourselves that we are trying to hide from because the world really doesn’t notice anyway. But then there is no hiding from ourselves, only distracting ourselves from ourselves. Then there is no choice. And no passion. Choice requires options which don’t exist in reclusion. Only by letting others into our lives do options follow in the form of conflict. Then we may choose and give birth to passion.
May 9th, 2008 at 11:53 am
I tend to think that inspiration comes and goes at times of its choosing. No matter what I’m doing, I almost always approach it via inspiration. The perspiration thing doesn’t work at all for me. Schedules don’t work for me. Goals don’t work for me.
You sound like a circle living as best you can in the world the squares built for themselves. We have much in common.
Greybeards last blog post..outta sync — (me, not the dsl)
May 9th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Oh, Insular one
Thine eyes fall softly to a path
Traveled by ghosts and angels
All of whose hands
Touch not this world
Swaddle yourself in rain
Blue skies
And the tranquil murmur of distance
Hold the vision through keyholes
And the camera lens
Sate the tongue
And be unseen
ozymandiazs last blog post..Burning Silos
May 9th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
I believe that it is perfectly acceptable to live in isolation within the construct of your own universe. I would happily stay inside my home for weeks on end if I could, BUT I am already 50 and my Dog (Dearest Jack) has already died.
That being said, I am not a true recluse ala Howard Hughes, although my Germaphobia is coming along quite nicely, simply because I am not rich enough and I have offspring that need to be chauffeured about.
Although I have only recently visited your world, it would seem that you do have friends…just not the physical entity type who tend to come over unannounced, bore the sh*t out of you for hours on end recounting every tedious millisecond of their vapid, meaningless, existance, and then to add insult to injury, borrow your lawnmower and never return it.
Luckily I have a few great friends in the RW who desperately need my help..
so what are ya gonna do?
May 9th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
First of all thank you for your comments. What would I do without you!!! So there is a relationship that has started, all be it at a distance. But I do know that we see beauty when we see your image. So do get up and move as much as you can…every day. Depression can be treated and I know that for sure. It is as simple as a little white pill. Then we still have bad things happen to us but we do not let them bury us. Please, please see if that will help you. Those of us that out there pulling for you need for you to find a way. Our self image depends on your happiness. Truly.
b
May 10th, 2008 at 1:29 am
Run with that digital camera! It is so awe inspiring! As you know from my blog, I have had mine for such a short time. But I am loving it more and more! I see possibilities of pics and writing! The pics inspire fresh thoughts and it is wonderful finding inspiration in the most unexpected places via that camera.
May 10th, 2008 at 5:32 am
Paisley, I can really relate to your reclusiveness. I loathe having to leave my home, and I rarely do it alone, I usually have a friend or one of my children with me. I happen to have only two friends right now, and the only reason I have contact with them is because they are pushy and won’t let me sink totally into my reclusive habits. Some days I want to strangle them for that. I pray that after your dogs die you find a reason to continue, you are so talented and have inspired me to better my writing, and I truly enjoy reading your blogs. Your writing touches me and I can relate to so much of it.
I guess I really don’t have much of a point in all this rambling, I guess I just wanted you to know, in some small way, that you are not alone.
I wish you all the best.
Jane
May 10th, 2008 at 6:52 am
I veer in and out of reclusiveness but as you know, I get much of my inspiration from nature, so I am always wandering about looking at things. There is such joy in the outdoors for me, such serenity. This post is actually quite a significant one because I think it shows the natural progression of a true writer. You want to expand your horizons, your realm of existence. That’s a good thing. I enjoy a few of the prompts because I like to challenge myself in a creative writing sense but I also enjoy getting out there and seeing what’s going on and writing about that. There is so much material out there - it is fantastic. Go for it, my dear. No doubt you will come up with something amazing!
May 10th, 2008 at 8:12 am
I really like the digital camera idea. It’s another way of expressing who you are and what you notice.
I love reading your poems and essays. I always go to your poems first when there’s a list of links. I’ll continue to stop by here every day, whether you link to a prompt site or not. You write with freshness, from your soul, and it’s wonderful to have your words in my life.
May 10th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Hi, yes I know how easy it is to draw into oneself, the one thing that
is beautiful about my job as a teacher is working with young children,
the light and unconditional love the offer minute by minute is so valuable
tobe. Yes, the prompts can run into each other, which is why I only use
them at most is once a week, and hadn’t really started until about three
months into writing daily on my blog.
The photo taking idea is superb, you will find it amazing, I really adore
black and white photos, these images, for me, lend to my imagination
and surreal stirrings.
Your poetry is precious to me, and you are so talented I can’t imagine
not reading you, and the images you find that marry to the words is
just amazing, how your mind go there and beyond.
Yes, go out and delve into Nature, she is inspirational.
May 10th, 2008 at 9:42 am
paisley,
I try not to give advice unless asked and then only reluctantly (Do unto others, and like that there). You have shared some of your life with us, both past and present so that we may “know” you or at least “know” as much as you want us to know. Today I want to share what I “know” about you.
Just your depth of knowledge about human nature is impressive.
Others flock to your web sites eager to read your insight., myself included.
Dependable; people, and dogs know they can rely on you.
Imaginative; using common speech in free verse with clear concrete imagery.
Your prose, poetry,are a pleasure to read. One of the things I enjoy most (however ;)) are the comments you leave on other posters posts. Always uplifting, and encouraging. These tell me the most about you… a sensitive and caring person. When the veneer of life is stripped away, you are simply and totally a caring person and that’s why I come here again and again and again!
rel
May 10th, 2008 at 11:18 am
This was so real and so sincere Paisley. Not many people can open up as you can. As for friends, they may be virtual ones but I think you have quite a few in reality. In many ways I feel closer to the people I’ve met via my two blogs than people I usually meet in ‘real life’. I actually hope to meet some of my long-time blog friends, some day. Hopefully that will be possible.
You have many lives and experiences still to live and enjoy Paisley. Perhaps blogging is the beginning of other things in your life too. I have learned to step back and allow things to unfold, not just jump in and try to make things happen as I think they should. It’s much better than being too impulsive. And sometimes things and people are not at all what they seem, given our first impression. There’s my rant…G
May 10th, 2008 at 11:38 am
small steps work better than giant leaps..from who knows…:)
May 10th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
It’s okay to be uninspired for a while. I think we need to take breaks from time to time. I’m uninspired right now, too. There’s too much going on in my daily life right now. When I sit at the end of the day, I am overcome with scenes and words from my day and I can’t write. I’m reading instead. When I can, I will write again.
Take the time you need. Don’t force it. It will come.
May 10th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
I’m reclusive myself, but this is due more to my chronic fatigue syndrome than anything else. But it certainly cuts out a lot of the stimulation. At the moment I’m still inspired by the prompts, plus I’m testing my professionalism - can I produce to order. I’m still finding it a highly rewarding experience. Whether it will change in the future, possibly, maybe not.
That’s the thing. I live for the day, with just a dream to tantalise the future. Whatever you decide to do, you’re a great writer, and you’ve got a fan here.
May 10th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Understood. Completely.
May 10th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
I sometimes ache for your lifestyle………
I treasure my own company, whether that is a good thing I am not sure. I am finding I hate being controlled or have my life controlled whether by choice or by no choice.
Maybe that is why I seem to be heading off in all directions. Looking, searching for peace contentment that we all seek.
Liking yourself is the start of finding it………
Well maybe………..
May 11th, 2008 at 3:36 am
Hi Paisley,
I have only recently stumbled upon the idea of ‘prompts’ as a way to write poetry. Indeed, I had no idea that was even something people did! I’ve always written from what lies ‘within’ me. I have been taking photographs of nature with my digital camera and posting on my other blogs, where I don’t write poetry. It has given me immense personal satisfaction to photograph some of the details in nature, details that I didn’t notice until this year! It gets me out of ‘myself’ and out of the house! I have been in awe of your writing, Paisley…and I have enjoyed the connection with others that is a result of the ‘prompts’…and the connection with you! It’s exciting to know that you are going to expand your repertoire of inspirations for your writing and I can’t wait to have the privilege of reading what you come up with! Please don’t ever ‘give up’ on anything. Keep moving forward. There is no end to what can be discovered in this world if one just looks. There are mysteries waiting for your discovery, in nature, in relationships, and with yourself. I am so glad for the inspiration that I have received by getting to know you in just a short time…and I’m looking forward to more and more of YOU. PS I’ve got ya beat by 4 years in the age department!
May 11th, 2008 at 10:21 am
My dear Paisley, This is precisely the reason I admire and love you so very much. I am your friend to the end of whatever we have left of our lives. You are such an inspiration.
May 11th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Thank you for the comment, I do believe sometimes that what I write is singularly felt and then I read others who feel or think the same types of things and I am comforted. Somehow, knowing we are not alone even when we are banging away on our computers makes it worth while.
I am sure you touch lives on here and those when you take the chance to leave your surroundings as well. Explore, there is always so much more to see and do.
May 11th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
I can relate to the lack of inspiration lately, though maybe for different reasons. I think sometimes prompts can come to feel like homework after awhile. If that happens, they are no longer stimulating creativity, and maybe even stunting it a bit.
You have a gift with words. And I am thankful you share it with us.
May 12th, 2008 at 4:10 am
I have to push myself away from the reclusiveness, it isn’t a good thing for me. I, too, have pick up a camera and am amazed at how much my creative juices have flowed.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Congrats to you, paisley. The prompts have gotten you to this point and the camera will be yet another adventure that allows your mind to continue to construct the words and phrases you are driven to create. I know. I love my camera and can spend quite a bit of time following shadows in my house. You know. You also know I’m pushing 52 and although I can say I’ve never spent as much time thinking of my age as I have in the past year, I also know it’s a frame of mind. But I’ve earned my patina as you have yours. It’s something beautiful that comes only with age. I say cheers to that. Can’t wait to see the meeting of your photos and words.