….why paisley???

this weeks writers island prompts worked well together for me…. i originally wrote this as a prose piece,, but the line breaks became necessary in order to punctuate it properly when the peice is spoken…

try reading it out loud….

there have been times in this life,,
when i have been inhabited
by a rather ferocious identity…
times i found myself blinded
by selfishness,, or anger,, or drugs,,
or a dangerous cocktail
made up of immeasurable quantities
of all of them….

there have been times
i am willing to admit,,
that you had reason to fear me,,
as i had nothing to lose,,
and you had better hope,,
i did not want what you had…

the problem
with having been that person,,
is even tho i know
i am not her any more,,
i understand now,
that all of us have
that inner beast,,
that animal,,
that will do
what it has to do,,
to survive..

most of us will
never be pushed that far,,,
most of us will
never know what it feels like
to lose all sense of right and wrong,,
to be blinded with addiction,,
desire,, anger,, hatred…
but i assure you,,
no matter who you are,,,
it could,,
and will
happen to you,,
given the right set of circumstances…

so as you experience
people that you don’t understand,,
people who have made
what you judge
to be ill thought out lifestyle choices,,
people that you pride yourself,,
that you are not,,
my suggestion to you would be,
to take a good long look
at that person
that stares back at you from the mirror….

you see,,
i know who the person is that’s staring back at me..
i have seen my inner beast…
i know what she is capable of..
i know what evil
can come to life in a mind
if the right set of circumstance provides itself..

but most of all…
i know,,
i am just like you…
and it could very well be you,,
that has that lesson yet to learn….

photo:

http://tweedsocks.deviantart.com/art/Inner-Beast-20065764

prompt courtesy of writers island

painting: nanda by: rick mobbs

i used to believe, that i would find him..
the other half of me. the man, that would
fill in all the blanks.. that would make me feel,
complete.. that would take all the little broken pieces
of me,, and mix them with all the little fragments
of himself,, and together,, we would finally
be whole…

i used to believe that he and i, would
know each other, at first glance.. that we would
be on fire, in each others arms. that we would
know each others thoughts, and complete
each others sentances,, and we would instinctively
understand each others intermost fears,
and longings, and desires.. without ever having
to say a word…

i used to think that there was nothing
that could take that man from me,, but death-
once i found him.. that i would love him forever,,
and he me,, and we would walk off into the light
holding each others hand,, or calling out
each others name,, had one, or the other,
gone before…

and for a short time in this life,, i truly believed,
that i had found him.. the man that i would love
till the end of time. that i would be willing to
sacrifice, everything for…. the man, i would give,,
my life for..

and tho i proved time and time again
that i was willing to sacrifice, everything-
all that i had,, to have him, to hold him,
to love him, to call him mine,, in the end,,
i was unwilling to give my life.. and now sometimes,,
i wish that i had not been so selfish.. i wish i
had not thought more of myself than i
was worthy of..

i wish i had not allowed my desire
to be something we could never be together
(and that i never became on my own)
lure me away,, keep me from following thru,
on my vow to love him,, to be there for him,,
to never leave him,, to complete him,, as he,
completed me..

as had i.. had i done just that,, i would not
be sitting here knowing that i will never again-
be whole.. that i will never again feel complete..
that i will never again, know what it feels like
to love,, with my whole mind, and body, and soul..
…and being alive,, without those things,,
is meaningless…

please check out intropolis’ poem entitled nanda,, which was inspired by the same painting…

don’t much wanna go to heaven
wouldn’t known no one there, no way
as the kind that i holds near and dear
won’t be a gettin’ thru them pearly gates

no,, theres a better chance you’ll find me
sittin’ round a fire ring somewheres
talkin’ loud and smoking marlboro’s
next to a tub a ice cold beer

wearing an old king diamond tee shirt
and a pair a too tight jeans
sittin’ on some ol’ boys lap, feelin’ frisky
in the trailer park o my dreams…

where on every space theres a double wide
and the lot rents paid in full
and my sisters ex-fi-ance’s brother in law
has done his last parole

so when i exit life’s long lost highway
don’t you be a worrin’ ’bout where i’ve gone
’cause i’m sure there’ll be a for rent sign
on a nice li’l trailer in the great beyond….

photo courtesy of:

i read the most amazing poem today called “river” by pya parekh, on anna’s site, free poems… the feeling that i was left with after having read that,, was the inspiration behind these words…

photo: wet by: jeffcapeshop

chastising rain
hurled like spit
from the mouths
of the gods
atoning sins
purifying souls
pooling
in gutters
on street corners
in alleyways
resurrecting
the essence
of lives
long since lost
in its surface…

a combination of , monday mural from poefiusion and the “matinee muse” prompt, “perspective” from writers island…

photo by Mariposa Viajera

some time ago, i wrote a post called “lovely corpse”, inspired by dickens quote, “he would make a lovely corpse.” this is a redux…

dickens said,
“he would make a lovely corpse.”
yet i am fairly sure
when he said it
he wasn’t talking about you..
blue, unresponsive,
forever frozen in time.
needle still in your arm.
lover,, equally as dead,
beside you..
nothing,,
but a food stamp card
between you..

dickens said,
“he would make a lovely corpse.”
and i misconstrued it..
i imbued it
with all the pent up passions
of a woman, lost,, lonely
far from a home
she never found.
unfulfilled,, unloved,, unable
to make a life for herself.
to ever be
anything more
than she was
when she defined herself
by her love for you..

dickens said,
“he would make a lovely corpse.”
but i think what he really meant,
was that i
would remember you
as something you never were…
that i would chop you up
in little pieces,,
savoring the pretty ones..
carrying them around
in my pocket
fingering them
when i was feeling old,
and lonely
used up…
that i would ingest them
in small portions…
dew sodden miracles.
manna.
the body and the blood..
sucking my own life
out of you…

dickens said, “he would make a lovely corpse.”
but it was i that chose to make it so…..

this is a combination of the sunday scribblings prompt, “passion”, and the writers island prompt, “second chance”.….

i used up
my second chance
at passion
it consumed me
oh so many years ago
i sold my husband
and my children
to obtain it
and if i had it
i would have sold
a whole lot more

it was the kind of love
that people burn in hell for
it was the kind of love
that burns you to the ground
it was the kind of love
that leaves no (wo)man standing
and in the end
it was both of us
that died

you might think
that kind of love
is curse-ed
you might think
no love is worth
all that much pain
you might think
i am better off
for having lost it
but if i could
i would do it all again…..

photo:

http://noratroll.deviantart.com/art/Passion-49901367

friday five.. the words this week are: skew, foreign, wailing, travel, arithmetic… and the theme is: someone moves the ends….writers island.. the prompt this week is time travel…..

“do the math.”
she suggested flatly
as she stared at,
no wait,, straight thru me
never having been much
good at arithmetic
i just rolled my eyes
and looked away…

she never budged..
i chose instead
to stare her down
surely she’d
back off, no,
better yet, take flight
this skewed half life reflection
i refused to believe was mine

was i stuck in some
crazed carnival ride?
a time machine, or worse
had i traveled
to a foreign country,
had some insane
dream scape come to life?
why just yesterday….

had i been transported
to where the wailing
and the gnashing
of the teeth would be?
was this the end, the apocalypse?
standing there
staring back at me?
“uhm… excuse me…”

i implored her,
as i tapped the mirrored glass
“you see i signed up for the
“live fast die young and
leave a good looking corpse”*
short term economy package
and i guess when i wasn’t looking
someone moved the end….”

“would you be so kind as to
clue me in on
what the hell i am supposed to do now?”

photo:

http://ruckysart.deviantart.com/art/The-Mirror-60336136

* quote courtesy of* knock on any door by: willard motley

very often, i feel as if i have become invisible

stellar performance
(lack of) character emerges
effortlessly
emblazoned with chaos
fueled by destruction
tumultuous impending nadir
diffused

intermission

a seamless evolution
resurrected heroine
single spot center stage
as phoenix rises
(unscathed) from the ashes
and triumphantly
disappears

fin

photo:

http://in-tempest.deviantart.com/art/Alone-0-3-11577578

tender blossoming woman
seductive little swagger…
manicured nails, pampered hair,
jeans poised way below the waist,
face painted with great care.
practiced sultry eyes call out
as wet tongue glosses her smile
breasts that draw mens hungry eyes
a perfectly formed package
sits atop her milky white thighs

“mother that i’d like to fuck”
firmly clutching at youths straw
still firm and lithe and hot
hours at the gym, the salon
and the occasional botox shot.
rebuilt breasts, so pert and round,
(so she tells herself each day)
and a tight rear end to match
a plumped up crease less smile
still looks like quite a catch

frightened middle aged woman
reflected in the mirror
skin becoming loose yet drawn
(invisible to the opposite sex?)
beauty all but gone
first glance at whats behind those eyes
at what she has become inside
has her soul aged with grace?
she begins to look beyond herself
seeing past her time worn face

bent gray haired old woman
her beauty shines from with in
her thin skinned, age lined face
cant cloak her inner radiance
for it transcends time and space
has she has found that bit of ageless magic?
hidden well beneath the skin
that her beauty all but stoled
while firmly held in the clutches of youth
scared to death of getting old??

photo:

http://senzafallisce.deviantart.com/art/Death-to-Self-67442413

the prompt this week for writers island, is desire… how fitting….

not quite 10 years ago, i was contacted via the internet, one of those reunion sites,, you know the ones…. by an old friend.. i would say an old lover, and in all but the consummated version of the word,, we had been just that… however, the fact that we were only 14 at the time,, and could only see each other for a few moments per day,, stolen away in the deserted hallways of our junior high school, or when i sneaked out of the house in the dark of night, the fates being what they are,, never saw fit to allow us to get that far.. not,, i might add that we didn’t try….

anywhoo… i was at a very low point, in this existence i still optimistically insisted was a life…. the realization that my youth was making a quick exit, had just reared its ugly head… i was separated from a relationship i never should have entered into in the first part… i was suffering unquenchable money troubles as a result of said separation,, and the fact that we had bought a house together… i was in a state of total loss of communication with my family (for what i deemed as an uncalled for judgmental stance on the life decisions i had been making….) and i was contacted by someone from my past that stated he had remained “in love with me all of these years…” twenty some to be exact..

he had followed my progress,, or steady descent,, which ever you choose to call it.. had watched from afar as i left behind a wide path of destruction,, thru marriage, thru child birth and abandonment,, thru the one great love of my life,, thru drug addiction,, thru prostitution, and currently as i continued my descent into this thing called “clean”,,, (which i have come to understand is really nothing more than life devoid of all things alive) and he just wanted to let me know he had reserved a place in his heart for me… all. these. years…….

well.. c’mon… you and i both know,, that was really not all he wanted me to know…. so with me spiraling out of control on my mission of self destruction, and he facing the doldrums of marriage and four children with his childhood sweetheart,, (who incidentally i had also been friends with in high school,,) and having recently become aware,, that all but for the shared dna of their children,, he had outgrown her, long ago,,, we pursued it… my family and his wife and four children be damned….

i flew across the country to meet him… several stolen weekends in cheap motels… his brothers birthday weekend… he appeared unannounced once at my front door… we proclaimed ourselves “in love…”

…but what we were,, was blinded by the desire to feel… just that no more… both of us caught in lives that left us cold.. both of us feeling as if the best part of life was indeed slipping out the back door while we were busy doing the next right thing,, paying bills,, putting food on the table,, breathing.. we decided that we had to have each other,, that life would not be the same,, ever again for either of us.. we could never be a real couple,, we could never really be together,, but anything we could be,, was distinctly better than that which we had most recently found ourselves becoming, boring. lifeless. middle aged ….

i moved 3500 miles to be closer to him… and in the end,, the desire for more,, caused it all to become less,, and we ended it…

and here,, in this moment,, still 3500 miles from home,, i am older.. more alone.. and if the truth be told,, none the wiser… as i would do it all again,,( not with him of course…) if someone would call, or email,, and breathe life into my dormant desires,, if he could make me feel young and beautiful and alive and desirable,, if even for a little while.. damn straight… i’d do it again….

photo:

http://mihai82000.deviantart.com/art/Forbidden-Fruit-61565036